i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize