Texts From Last Night · ASliceOfCheese's Favorites

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ASliceOfCheese's Favorites Texts:

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(425): View more from Washington

I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me

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(607): View more from New York

How high are you?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth

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(770): View more from Georgia

We have started to decorate penises.

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere

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(314): View more from Missouri

oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.

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(941): View more from Florida

I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting

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(805): View more from California

No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened

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(719): View more from Colorado

He's a Shit stain on my heart

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(319): View more from Iowa

4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW

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(210): View more from Texas

Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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(213): View more from California

hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"

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(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like handprints on my lower back...

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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(206): View more from Washington

When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.

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(619): View more from California

Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...

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(310): View more from California

I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.

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(716): View more from New York

You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.

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(909): View more from California

If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.

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(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(410): View more from Maryland

She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.

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(631): View more from New York

Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw

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(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

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(567): View more from Ohio

She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

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(260): View more from Indiana

It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?

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(253): View more from Washington

When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(585): View more from New York

remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that

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(931): View more from Tennessee

there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood

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(847): View more from Illinois

told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..

(630): View more from Illinois

how did he take it?

(847): View more from Illinois

not as well as i would have thought

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".

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(707): View more from California

At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!

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(310): View more from California

we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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(254): View more from Texas

That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.

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(432): View more from Texas

If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months

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(773): View more from Illinois

she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep

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(810): View more from Michigan

I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.

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(561): View more from Florida

I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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(937): View more from Ohio

And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome

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(954): View more from Florida

You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.

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(305): View more from Florida

She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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(386): View more from Florida

Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.

(904): View more from Florida

You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.

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(260): View more from Indiana

the scent of your tears make me crave pizza

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(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(573): View more from Missouri

These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away

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(425): View more from Washington

Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.

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(607): View more from New York

wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.

(816): View more from Missouri

I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.

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(518): View more from New York

it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

(323): View more from California

yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

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(330): View more from Ohio

hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

(614): View more from Ohio

is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

(330): View more from Ohio

how did you know?

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(408): View more from California

You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.

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(323): View more from California

well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.

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(360): View more from Washington

he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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(831): View more from California

My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover

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(907): View more from Alaska

Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face

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(269): View more from Michigan

A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(408): View more from California

I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?

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(720): View more from Colorado

So you met him?

(1-720): View more from Colorado

More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on

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(518): View more from New York

His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina

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(250): View more from British Columbia

we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.

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(925): View more from California

Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday

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(917): View more from New York City

Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you

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ASliceOfCheese's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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