Texts From Last Night · LeftOfTheDial72's Favorites

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LeftOfTheDial72's Favorites Texts:

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(303): View more from Colorado

Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was an ACCIDENT

(734): View more from Michigan

it was a DICK

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.

(216): View more from Ohio

You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.

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(707): View more from California

I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"

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(619): View more from California

i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight

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(845): View more from New York

dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.

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(928): View more from Arizona

What's the plan?

(1-928): View more from Arizona

Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.

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(206): View more from Washington

If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.

(253): View more from Washington

Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??

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(226): View more from Ontario

it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was

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(540): View more from Virginia

yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire

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(208): View more from Idaho

Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.

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(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I don't have a cat..?

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(269): View more from Michigan

I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag

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(310): View more from California

No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.

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(954): View more from Florida

she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon

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(765): View more from Indiana

Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.

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(713): View more from Texas

Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He shit in the fireplace

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(619): View more from California

Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.

(818): View more from California

Yes. To all of that. Yes.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"

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(360): View more from Washington

That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.

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(650): View more from California

Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?

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(760): View more from California

Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux

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(626): View more from California

So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat

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(602): View more from Arizona

He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME

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(302): View more from Delaware

If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.

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(773): View more from Illinois

this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..

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(419): View more from Ohio

Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.

(314): View more from Missouri

and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...

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(804): View more from Virginia

I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too

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(760): View more from California

Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.

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(480): View more from Arizona

It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you

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(305): View more from Florida

It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat

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(712): View more from Iowa

Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis

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(940): View more from Texas

After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.

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(954): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her

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(760): View more from California

Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?

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(315): View more from New York

Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?

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(845): View more from New York

Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I got my gum stuck on his balls.

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(330): View more from Ohio

it wasnt that bad

(1-330): View more from Ohio

you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad

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(419): View more from Ohio

I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals

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(805): View more from California

I need a pedicure

(1-805): View more from California

You need to go to planned parenthood

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(207): View more from Maine

Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'

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(718): View more from New York

Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples

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(480): View more from Arizona

After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.

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(646): View more from New York

I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.

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(281): View more from Texas

This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What happened last night dude?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!

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(207): View more from Maine

I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!

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(425): View more from Washington

The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!

(253): View more from Washington

I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy

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(812): View more from Indiana

This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"

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(850): View more from Florida

I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.

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(917): View more from New York City

Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.

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(510): View more from California

I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Well that would explain the bones in my purse.

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(212): View more from New York

Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses

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(704): View more from North Carolina

next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.

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(206): View more from Washington

And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome

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(719): View more from Colorado

How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.

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(847): View more from Illinois

That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.

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(319): View more from Iowa

The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....

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(631): View more from New York

It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants

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(805): View more from California

Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..

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(917): View more from New York City

SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE

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(972): View more from Texas

It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.

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(219): View more from Indiana

So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?

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(925): View more from California

Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him

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(310): View more from California

I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.

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(707): View more from California

I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night

(551): View more from New Jersey

oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him

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(334): View more from Alabama

Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.

(240): View more from Maryland

Sorry, who is this??

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(801): View more from Utah

He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.

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(432): View more from Texas

There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...

(917): View more from New York City

Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?

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(253): View more from Washington

He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!

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(226): View more from Ontario

Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.

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(925): View more from California

Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.

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(406): View more from Montana

I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.

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(714): View more from California

Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.

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(256): View more from Alabama

According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Let go out that Thursday night!

(912): View more from Georgia

Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration

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(406): View more from Montana

You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you never keep up with shots anymore

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm trying to be more responsible these days

(918): View more from Oklahoma

you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot

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(937): View more from Ohio

At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?

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(775): View more from Nevada

So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.

(775): View more from Nevada

I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

Prepare the pitchfork.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

what happened to you last night?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me

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(706): View more from Georgia

Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night

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(620): View more from Kansas

yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.

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(432): View more from Texas

Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.

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(331): View more from Illinois

The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.

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(801): View more from Utah

Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone

(385): View more from Utah

At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???

(801): View more from Utah

In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I need to stop waking up with no pants on.

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

what happened this time

(504): View more from Louisiana

I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room

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(319): View more from Iowa

Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.

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(516): View more from New York

I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Where are you?

(336): View more from North Carolina

dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.

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(631): View more from New York

She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE

(1-631): View more from New York

I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU

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(415): View more from California

Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!

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(313): View more from Michigan

I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs

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(425): View more from Washington

Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....

Fav 1 56 7
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.

Fav 1 115 18
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(850): View more from Florida

They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.

(678): View more from Georgia

You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.

Fav 1 55 13
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(925): View more from California

She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.

Fav 2 119 13
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(775): View more from Nevada

He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?

Fav 1 18 54
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(847): View more from Illinois

This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.

Fav 0 9 48
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(615): View more from Tennessee

I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.

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(716): View more from New York

Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.

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(801): View more from Utah

I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."

Fav 0 53 12
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?

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(903): View more from Texas

I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.

Fav 2 61 47
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.

Fav 2 85 13
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(316): View more from Kansas

DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????

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(516): View more from New York

you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..

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(541): View more from Oregon

I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂

Fav 0 43 11
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(317): View more from Indiana

Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.

Fav 2 43 4
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(915): View more from Texas

Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach

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(910): View more from North Carolina

When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey what you doing tonight?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

See you in about a hour

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(690): View more from

Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.

(1-690): View more from

Drunk, high, hungover?

(690): View more from

...I wish I had an excuse.

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(914): View more from New York

My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Why would you get kicked out?

(574): View more from Indiana

Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.

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(425): View more from Washington

Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.

Fav 1 38 22
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(440): View more from Ohio

You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.

Fav 3 69 26
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(559): View more from California

Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!

Fav 3 39 14
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(341): View more from California

Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you

Fav 0 43 17
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?

Fav 0 49 13
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(770): View more from Georgia

Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much

Fav 1 75 17
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(630): View more from Illinois

You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.

Fav 0 27 30
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.

Fav 1 72 13
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby

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(443): View more from Maryland

Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.

(301): View more from Maryland

Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.

Fav 1 13 74
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.

Fav 1 69 16
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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom

Fav 1 9 112
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(937): View more from Ohio

Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo

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(516): View more from New York

I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"

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(404): View more from Georgia

MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER

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(585): View more from New York

I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper

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(646): View more from New York

he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.

Fav 4 18 120
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(253): View more from Washington

I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...

Fav 0 73 8
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(240): View more from Maryland

Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.

Fav 2 97 11
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(301): View more from Maryland

He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.

Fav 3 139 19
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(212): View more from New York

Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??

(347): View more from New York

Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid

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(207): View more from Maine

Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck me I smell like cheese

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(801): View more from Utah

It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants

Fav 1 85 15
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(813): View more from Florida

Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.

Fav 3 115 20
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(206): View more from Washington

#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate

Fav 4 36 128
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(416): View more from Toronto

I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.

Fav 1 93 8
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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat

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(727): View more from Florida

Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.

Fav 1 93 23
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"

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(914): View more from New York

You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor

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(740): View more from Ohio

i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina

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(716): View more from New York

Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.

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(716): View more from New York

ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If those panties could talk.

(407): View more from Florida

"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."

Fav 3 31 83
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(757): View more from Virginia

I think I met my butt stuff soulmate

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(571): View more from Virginia

When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise

(1-571): View more from Virginia

GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?

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(361): View more from Texas

I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"

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(626): View more from California

Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂

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(727): View more from Florida

Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.

(314): View more from Missouri

Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties

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(312): View more from Illinois

Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀

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(207): View more from Maine

Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up

Fav 4 22 58
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(315): View more from New York

Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.

(1-315): View more from New York

That would explain the cannon.

Fav 1 108 19
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(701): View more from North Dakota

"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"

Fav 4 23 71
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.

Fav 1 28 57
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(818): View more from California

I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.

Fav 0 24 54
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(563): View more from Iowa

Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic

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(561): View more from Florida

This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem

(1-561): View more from Florida

Gotta pay my student loans some way

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(763): View more from Minnesota

If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you

Fav 2 81 14
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(256): View more from Alabama

One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?

Fav 5 92 38
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(347): View more from New York

You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian

Fav 0 19 65
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that

Fav 1 81 26
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(256): View more from Alabama

He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.

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(613): View more from Ontario

So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.

Fav 4 136 6
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(518): View more from New York

He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.

Fav 1 76 14
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(309): View more from Illinois

You don't know the capacity of my vagina

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(416): View more from Toronto

He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.

Fav 3 19 65
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(765): View more from Indiana

Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick

Fav 3 69 26
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(469): View more from Texas

When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...

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(817): View more from Texas

And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet

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(646): View more from New York

I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE

(646): View more from New York

HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT

(646): View more from New York

GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT

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(503): View more from Oregon

I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.

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(713): View more from Texas

Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.

Fav 2 20 113
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(971): View more from Oregon

Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.

(503): View more from Oregon

Preach sister.

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(281): View more from Texas

He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"

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(631): View more from New York

I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick

Fav 2 21 99
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(517): View more from Michigan

Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present

Fav 2 73 22
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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.

Fav 3 78 24
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer

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(817): View more from Texas

We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night

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(231): View more from Michigan

I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.

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(713): View more from Texas

It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"

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(226): View more from Ontario

I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana

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(714): View more from California

I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...

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(912): View more from Georgia

Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.

(323): View more from California

How did you leave without pants?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.

Fav 2 91 15
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(701): View more from North Dakota

Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.

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(416): View more from Toronto

If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?

Fav 4 18 92
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(812): View more from Indiana

UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING

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(908): View more from New Jersey

In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going

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(905): View more from Ontario

We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?

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(813): View more from Florida

Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.

Fav 1 81 11
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(914): View more from New York

There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper

Fav 4 76 12
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(501): View more from Arkansas

Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?

Fav 7 116 27
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(707): View more from California

I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?

Fav 4 17 87
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(941): View more from Florida

Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.

Fav 1 23 56
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(260): View more from Indiana

Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?

Fav 3 66 14
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(303): View more from Colorado

I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.

Fav 2 46 67
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(516): View more from New York

YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia

Fav 5 29 93
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(647): View more from Ontario

Stop fucking Sharon's exes.

(416): View more from Toronto

Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.

Fav 2 182 20
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it

Fav 2 73 34
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(513): View more from Ohio

No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.

Fav 1 11 78
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(408): View more from California

I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina

Fav 2 56 31
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(818): View more from California

I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic

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(541): View more from Oregon

Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.

Fav 11 27 235
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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine

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(239): View more from Florida

Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?

Fav 1 81 18
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(330): View more from Ohio

I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.

Fav 3 128 23
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(647): View more from Ontario

Where is Holly?

(647): View more from Ontario

Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down

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(805): View more from California

I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's

Fav 2 81 25
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(415): View more from California

how drunk are you?

(469): View more from Texas

Several

Fav 1 137 12
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(404): View more from Georgia

Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher

Fav 2 78 27
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(512): View more from Texas

It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant

Fav 1 25 58
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(701): View more from North Dakota

Is this because I accidentally peed on you?

Fav 1 15 63
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(602): View more from Arizona

I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.

Fav 1 73 45
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(319): View more from Iowa

How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??

Fav 6 14 219
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(760): View more from California

He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄

Fav 4 100 25
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.

Fav 3 138 24
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Fav 3 91 16
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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass

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(512): View more from Texas

And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face

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(908): View more from New Jersey

There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later

Fav 2 134 24
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no

Fav 1 30 88
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(207): View more from Maine

I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why are you like this.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in

Fav 5 64 79
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(440): View more from Ohio

So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.

Fav 13 128 53
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(813): View more from Florida

You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.

Fav 3 156 25
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(313): View more from Michigan

It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.

Fav 0 70 31
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(708): View more from Illinois

Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.

Fav 4 69 45
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(336): View more from North Carolina

Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls

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(415): View more from California

I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.

Fav 1 19 72
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(415): View more from California

One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter

Fav 1 84 15
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(701): View more from North Dakota

It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.

Fav 1 12 78
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.

Fav 8 50 243
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Okay, I just reached peak living alone

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off

Fav 1 75 27
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(425): View more from Washington

Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation

Fav 1 13 49
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.

Fav 2 52 36
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(910): View more from North Carolina

One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."

Fav 3 63 48
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(503): View more from Oregon

I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high

Fav 1 57 12
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(812): View more from Indiana

Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day

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(904): View more from Florida

For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring

Fav 1 97 19
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(304): View more from West Virginia

She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."

Fav 4 106 30
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(512): View more from Texas

I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to

Fav 1 55 38
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(407): View more from Florida

I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.

Fav 2 155 18
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(315): View more from New York

2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.

Fav 1 12 83
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(757): View more from Virginia

It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier

Fav 3 50 105
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(647): View more from Ontario

Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?

(1-647): View more from Ontario

You are fucking her boyfriend.

Fav 5 83 98
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(937): View more from Ohio

It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity

Fav 1 88 19
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(314): View more from Missouri

Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.

Fav 1 85 17
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(515): View more from Iowa

Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.

Fav 1 27 59
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(314): View more from Missouri

Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.

Fav 3 23 132
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(516): View more from New York

How can you tell that you're blacked out ?

(1-516): View more from New York

You can feel it in your nipples.

Fav 0 73 9
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(206): View more from Washington

He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.

Fav 3 117 10
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.

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(707): View more from California

I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.

Fav 2 49 47
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(815): View more from Illinois

When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!

Fav 0 34 71
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.

Fav 3 38 112
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(216): View more from Ohio

is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.

(954): View more from Florida

God I love you.

Fav 1 131 27
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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.

Fav 2 22 113
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(702): View more from Nevada

I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence

Fav 2 110 15
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(604): View more from British Columbia

You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....

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(425): View more from Washington

Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?

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(541): View more from Oregon

11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."

Fav 1 31 113
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(785): View more from Kansas

Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??

Fav 1 116 17
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.

Fav 1 47 59
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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.

Fav 2 83 24
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(254): View more from Texas

I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.

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(909): View more from California

Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom

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(716): View more from New York

Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.

Fav 2 102 20
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(616): View more from Michigan

So I just got motorboated by my grandma…

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(316): View more from Kansas

I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.

Fav 3 97 27
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(865): View more from Tennessee

Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.

(865): View more from Tennessee

Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?

Fav 1 29 48
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(607): View more from New York

Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.

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(216): View more from Ohio

That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.

Fav 5 151 24
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(210): View more from Texas

Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?

Fav 2 59 14
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(425): View more from Washington

We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.

Fav 1 93 17
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(647): View more from Ontario

She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.

(416): View more from Toronto

This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.

Fav 1 118 14
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(704): View more from North Carolina

Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.

Fav 2 91 14
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(716): View more from New York

You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.

(315): View more from New York

Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.

Fav 1 39 87
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(402): View more from Nebraska

There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.

Fav 1 113 19
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Stories. There's stories.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES

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(407): View more from Florida

Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.

Fav 0 46 9
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(630): View more from Illinois

I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.

Fav 1 55 19
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me

Fav 2 140 18
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(925): View more from California

Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.

Fav 4 51 38
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(310): View more from California

You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.

Fav 2 160 25
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records

Fav 1 94 12
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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.

Fav 1 73 13
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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.

Fav 1 26 57
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(917): View more from New York City

Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Or???

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.

Fav 2 19 70
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(908): View more from New Jersey

Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight

Fav 1 35 49
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(631): View more from New York

I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning

Fav 1 54 29
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(734): View more from Michigan

I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.

Fav 1 117 10
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(845): View more from New York

Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back

Fav 1 87 9
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(407): View more from Florida

He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him

Fav 2 58 61
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(905): View more from Ontario

He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10

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(366): View more from

After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH

(856): View more from New Jersey

ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT

Fav 2 54 33
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(609): View more from New Jersey

Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.

Fav 6 46 100
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(952): View more from Minnesota

HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.

Fav 4 17 87
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(480): View more from Arizona

Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.

Fav 2 40 43
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(417): View more from Missouri

We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.

Fav 1 66 11
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(804): View more from Virginia

I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants

Fav 2 87 13
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(604): View more from British Columbia

he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL

Fav 2 16 136
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(352): View more from Florida

Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants

Fav 1 34 111
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(312): View more from Illinois

I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi

Fav 1 76 20
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.

Fav 0 24 53
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(905): View more from Ontario

You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing

Fav 0 89 20
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm super disappointed in my clit.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.

Fav 3 21 93
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(919): View more from North Carolina

The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me

Fav 4 103 59
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom

Fav 3 24 57
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(904): View more from Florida

Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon

Fav 2 101 7
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds

Fav 1 48 29
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(701): View more from North Dakota

Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?

Fav 0 71 5
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(312): View more from Illinois

still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.

Fav 4 26 95
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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says

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(512): View more from Texas

*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*

Fav 2 68 36
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!

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(417): View more from Missouri

I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?

(417): View more from Missouri

Or nah

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(782): View more from

What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police

Fav 1 66 20
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(904): View more from Florida

Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.

Fav 2 88 21
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(845): View more from New York

He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest

Fav 0 100 11
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(856): View more from New Jersey

STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT

Fav 1 53 56
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(530): View more from California

Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories

Fav 0 43 19
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(613): View more from Ontario

Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?

Fav 1 111 19
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.

Fav 1 25 123
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(605): View more from South Dakota

Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?

Fav 0 54 12
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(733): View more from

How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way

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(845): View more from New York

I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i am craving dick and cupcakes

Fav 4 88 12
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(318): View more from Louisiana

Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?

Fav 4 43 58
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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not well. Although it could be worse.

(248): View more from Michigan

My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.

Fav 0 92 16
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(315): View more from New York

I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween

Fav 2 51 5
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(860): View more from Connecticut

I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night

Fav 0 41 12
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(415): View more from California

"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.

Fav 2 15 111
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(630): View more from Illinois

How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts

Fav 4 129 31
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(309): View more from Illinois

I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.

(472): View more from

Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?

Fav 2 92 14
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(419): View more from Ohio

He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.

Fav 3 220 16
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(703): View more from Virginia

*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*

Fav 0 15 79
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(630): View more from Illinois

Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.

Fav 2 31 80
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.

Fav 0 100 7
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(+10): View more from

What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration

Fav 1 64 8
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(847): View more from Illinois

Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch

Fav 1 68 8
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(+04): View more from

Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died

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(703): View more from Virginia

If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude

Fav 1 10 36
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(727): View more from Florida

I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!

Fav 1 80 7
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(248): View more from Michigan

Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni

Fav 0 77 20
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(402): View more from Nebraska

For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing

Fav 4 89 14
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(618): View more from Illinois

If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)

Fav 1 58 21
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(813): View more from Florida

Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.

Fav 2 157 12
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(330): View more from Ohio

Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.

Fav 1 69 13
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?

Fav 3 135 21
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(845): View more from New York

You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus

Fav 4 89 68
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag

Fav 3 135 15
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(631): View more from New York

I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma

Fav 1 96 27
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(314): View more from Missouri

OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!

Fav 1 34 39
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(740): View more from Ohio

Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.

Fav 0 60 24
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city

Fav 0 70 14
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(850): View more from Florida

He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms

Fav 1 80 13
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped

Fav 1 69 13
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(336): View more from North Carolina

Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.

Fav 1 56 22
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(661): View more from California

I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.

Fav 1 82 12
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(205): View more from Alabama

you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone

Fav 1 96 11
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(505): View more from New Mexico

I cuddled with a man named Pickles

Fav 3 43 32
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(908): View more from New Jersey

You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth

Fav 1 71 16
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(618): View more from Illinois

I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.

Fav 0 13 39
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.

Fav 1 111 42
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married

Fav 1 39 117
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(425): View more from Washington

Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.

Fav 1 80 28
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(217): View more from Illinois

When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.

(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.

(907): View more from Alaska

you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.

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(845): View more from New York

So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.

Fav 1 35 12
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(630): View more from Illinois

How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.

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(315): View more from New York

I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?

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(309): View more from Illinois

When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.

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(239): View more from Florida

You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.

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(425): View more from Washington

No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags

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(813): View more from Florida

I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.

Fav 3 187 9
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(813): View more from Florida

Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?

(813): View more from Florida

It didn't follow directions.

Fav 0 68 16
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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no

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(519): View more from Ontario

He managed to rip my nipple last night....

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(718): View more from New York

I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs

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(818): View more from California

UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.

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(319): View more from Iowa

HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick

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(727): View more from Florida

I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..

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(607): View more from New York

You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?

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(712): View more from Iowa

I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!

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(281): View more from Texas

She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.

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(585): View more from New York

Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight

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(760): View more from California

he just fucked me for my cheese.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me

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(630): View more from Illinois

SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME

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(303): View more from Colorado

I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap

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(937): View more from Ohio

Are you feeling better yet?

(937): View more from Ohio

I need a nap and a new butthole

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.

Fav 1 73 9
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(865): View more from Tennessee

at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment

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(316): View more from Kansas

IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH

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(530): View more from California

I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!

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(718): View more from New York

I licked your asshole in confidence.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s

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(631): View more from New York

I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?

Fav 2 75 26
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(517): View more from Michigan

So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.

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(319): View more from Iowa

It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops

Fav 1 118 15
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(434): View more from Virginia

I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.

Fav 1 88 17
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.

Fav 2 122 8
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.

Fav 1 88 11
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused

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(209): View more from California

For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.

Fav 2 69 24
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(607): View more from New York

Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.

(607): View more from New York

It's just disrespectful

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating

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(804): View more from Virginia

As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife

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(929): View more from

Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂

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(915): View more from Texas

It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!

Fav 2 100 18
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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.

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(407): View more from Florida

That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up

(347): View more from New York

Yeah I hope she's okay.

(347): View more from New York

I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.

Fav 2 52 101
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him

Fav 4 149 24
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(630): View more from Illinois

If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.

Fav 1 88 43
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(970): View more from Colorado

Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag

Fav 1 108 10
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(207): View more from Maine

Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?

Fav 5 129 10
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(763): View more from Minnesota

I touched a dick in church today

Fav 5 117 40
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who the fuck stole my fridge again

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.

Fav 0 91 10
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(317): View more from Indiana

Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?

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(226): View more from Ontario

Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16

Fav 3 33 100
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(425): View more from Washington

I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.

Fav 1 36 65
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(802): View more from Vermont

Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.

Fav 0 126 20
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(913): View more from Kansas

I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?

Fav 2 75 51
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(419): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.

Fav 2 60 25
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.

Fav 1 13 101
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(+45): View more from Denmark

The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.

Fav 0 72 11
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(954): View more from Florida

On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?

Fav 2 176 18
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(469): View more from Texas

Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.

Fav 0 61 14
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(555): View more from

I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.

Fav 1 107 8
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(803): View more from South Carolina

Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell

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(949): View more from California

They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"

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(785): View more from Kansas

The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital

Fav 1 57 11
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(732): View more from New Jersey

Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra

Fav 1 72 7
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(954): View more from Florida

He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.

Fav 1 174 14
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie

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(757): View more from Virginia

He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...

Fav 2 173 37
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

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(315): View more from New York

New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.

(716): View more from New York

This is why we're soulmates.

Fav 2 49 19
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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't know what to do about my nipple.

Fav 3 45 25
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(256): View more from Alabama

i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out

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(301): View more from Maryland

Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law

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(256): View more from Alabama

You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices

Fav 2 97 10
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(716): View more from New York

In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??

Fav 1 10 55
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(716): View more from New York

The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?

Fav 0 24 48
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(775): View more from Nevada

The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy

Fav 1 76 27
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(360): View more from Washington

Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...

Fav 2 63 12
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(314): View more from Missouri

Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Better not shit yourself at the gym.

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(406): View more from Montana

You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap

Fav 3 128 11
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?

Fav 0 17 56
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.

Fav 1 124 20
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(802): View more from Vermont

Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.

Fav 1 104 64
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(540): View more from Virginia

And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...

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(325): View more from Texas

I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work

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(983): View more from

We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.

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(207): View more from Maine

You left your hot dogs in my dresser again

Fav 3 64 23
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(631): View more from New York

From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..

Fav 1 40 12
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(+61): View more from Australia

I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me

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(913): View more from Kansas

In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"

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(905): View more from Ontario

Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?

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(310): View more from California

I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?

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(406): View more from Montana

Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...

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(310): View more from California

I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob

(310): View more from California

That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.

Fav 1 165 29
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(307): View more from Wyoming

I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.

Fav 2 93 20
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(224): View more from Illinois

I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...

Fav 3 32 109
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(330): View more from Ohio

did i just pee glitter

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.

Fav 0 69 25
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(415): View more from California

I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong

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(410): View more from Maryland

I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.

(443): View more from Maryland

Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle

(410): View more from Maryland

I really hate whoever invented fireball.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.

Fav 1 86 10
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(804): View more from Virginia

She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it

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(501): View more from Arkansas

She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.

Fav 3 184 9
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"

Fav 1 23 105
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(614): View more from Ohio

I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year

Fav 1 229 13
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(580): View more from Oklahoma

How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?

Fav 5 44 63
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(301): View more from Maryland

SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.

Fav 3 76 94
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??

Fav 5 74 19
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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed

Fav 6 77 43
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Does this mean I have to put a bra on now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

either way he's in for disappointment

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.

Fav 2 52 23
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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?

Fav 2 30 59
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(415): View more from California

I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.

Fav 0 26 91
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(314): View more from Missouri

When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?

Fav 2 62 44
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(641): View more from Iowa

Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?

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(210): View more from Texas

his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.

(512): View more from Texas

did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?

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(775): View more from Nevada

Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.

Fav 3 16 66
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(607): View more from New York

I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that

Fav 3 89 25
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(248): View more from Michigan

WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?

Fav 3 19 230
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(727): View more from Florida

You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.

Fav 3 113 9
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(614): View more from Ohio

Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?

Fav 1 43 58
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(435): View more from Utah

The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?

Fav 1 90 15
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(317): View more from Indiana

Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall

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(636): View more from Missouri

Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out

Fav 2 37 67
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.

Fav 1 100 27
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(816): View more from Missouri

You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.

Fav 2 68 20
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(614): View more from Ohio

I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.

Fav 0 27 82
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(620): View more from Kansas

He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.

Fav 1 136 24
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(919): View more from North Carolina

You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?

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(281): View more from Texas

dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.

Fav 1 55 24
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(801): View more from Utah

Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.

Fav 1 66 62
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(905): View more from Ontario

He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.

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(631): View more from New York

I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.

(631): View more from New York

If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is

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(314): View more from Missouri

Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years

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(347): View more from New York

And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right

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(815): View more from Illinois

I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Me too.

Fav 0 67 27
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(915): View more from Texas

You've changed since you got that strap on

Fav 1 120 24
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(303): View more from Colorado

Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?

Fav 0 81 18
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(425): View more from Washington

you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass

Fav 3 151 20
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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.

Fav 1 32 80
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(425): View more from Washington

I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.

Fav 5 121 16
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(207): View more from Maine

you left your anal beads in the dishwasher

Fav 4 54 120
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing

Fav 3 51 122
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(330): View more from Ohio

Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.

Fav 1 37 41
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(406): View more from Montana

I really don’t want to have kids.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day

Fav 0 122 16
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream

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(281): View more from Texas

Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.

(713): View more from Texas

I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going

Fav 1 65 15
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex

Fav 1 36 51
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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit

Fav 1 50 16
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(317): View more from Indiana

If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis

Fav 4 181 12
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(773): View more from Illinois

You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..

Fav 3 57 16
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(318): View more from Louisiana

I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.

Fav 3 30 101
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card

Fav 1 30 74
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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...

Fav 0 72 6
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(417): View more from Missouri

I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.

Fav 2 36 137
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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.

Fav 0 69 15
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(347): View more from New York

Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.

Fav 0 75 9
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(847): View more from Illinois

When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.

Fav 2 124 10
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(816): View more from Missouri

Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.

Fav 1 83 29
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(+61): View more from Australia

Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now

Fav 1 126 7
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.

Fav 2 144 17
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(949): View more from California

Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.

Fav 2 68 18
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.

Fav 3 87 9
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(908): View more from New Jersey

Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?

Fav 0 78 22
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(856): View more from New Jersey

Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?

Fav 0 86 9
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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know

Fav 0 84 11
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(585): View more from New York

I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days

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(407): View more from Florida

There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?

Fav 1 100 16
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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?

Fav 1 96 9
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(609): View more from New Jersey

Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.

Fav 2 66 25
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.

Fav 1 93 11
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(727): View more from Florida

I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.

Fav 0 87 27
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(646): View more from New York

Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me

Fav 0 31 59
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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear

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(705): View more from Ontario

Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have

Fav 1 28 73
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(476): View more from

THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT

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(941): View more from Florida

We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.

Fav 0 43 31
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(917): View more from New York City

I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.

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(512): View more from Texas

On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............

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(260): View more from Indiana

I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.

Fav 1 68 12
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(402): View more from Nebraska

As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice

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(+61): View more from Australia

I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster

Fav 1 92 33
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(402): View more from Nebraska

Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?

Fav 2 69 10
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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?

Fav 0 65 8
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(347): View more from New York

What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?

(1-347): View more from New York

Here's a rule: don't

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.

Fav 1 89 9
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(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.

Fav 0 84 26
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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.

Fav 0 95 27
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.

Fav 1 97 73
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(828): View more from North Carolina

We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is

Fav 3 207 74
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(716): View more from New York

HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird

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(618): View more from Illinois

you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.

Fav 3 142 105
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(303): View more from Colorado

My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.

Fav 2 219 79
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(346): View more from

My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.

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(707): View more from California

On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.

Fav 0 86 103
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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss

Fav 0 83 119
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(740): View more from Ohio

He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."

Fav 1 194 67
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.

Fav 1 141 87
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(720): View more from Colorado

Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it

Fav 1 84 143
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(313): View more from Michigan

It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.

Fav 2 105 148
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(620): View more from Kansas

He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.

Fav 3 89 273
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(705): View more from Ontario

I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.

Fav 0 62 186
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(301): View more from Maryland

There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.

Fav 2 169 121
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(249): View more from

You just missed an honest to god bukkake

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged

(248): View more from Michigan

But I guess hugs would be nice

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.

Fav 2 73 113
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(314): View more from Missouri

Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?

Fav 4 158 77
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(909): View more from California

Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing

Fav 0 89 75
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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"

Fav 2 140 70
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(819): View more from Quebec

I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain

Fav 3 104 134
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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing

Fav 0 183 63
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(561): View more from Florida

I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw

Fav 1 173 102
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(314): View more from Missouri

He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.

Fav 0 184 99
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E

Fav 1 198 99
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(518): View more from New York

I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today

Fav 0 135 200
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(514): View more from Quebec

Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.

Fav 0 150 93
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(226): View more from Ontario

I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor

Fav 2 118 73
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(813): View more from Florida

Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning

Fav 1 95 116
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(904): View more from Florida

I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.

Fav 1 103 168
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(919): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?

Fav 2 191 94
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.

Fav 2 80 126
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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.

Fav 2 87 131
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(716): View more from New York

I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship

Fav 1 118 92
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(407): View more from Florida

I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.

Fav 0 96 127
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(613): View more from Ontario

I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube

Fav 1 157 51
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(606): View more from Kentucky

He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.

Fav 2 104 178
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(434): View more from Virginia

If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.

Fav 2 230 93
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(813): View more from Florida

it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis

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(361): View more from Texas

Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.

Fav 1 85 209
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(513): View more from Ohio

6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.

Fav 3 134 293
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(239): View more from Florida

You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill

Fav 1 91 144
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(619): View more from California

Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?

Fav 5 109 216
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex

Fav 1 162 94
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(513): View more from Ohio

And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?

Fav 5 226 122
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(585): View more from New York

Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.

Fav 3 119 170
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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.

Fav 2 279 102
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(609): View more from New Jersey

He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."

Fav 2 348 120
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November

Fav 4 235 92
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(815): View more from Illinois

Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.

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(727): View more from Florida

We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.

Fav 2 168 112
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(519): View more from Ontario

whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.

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(360): View more from Washington

I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.

Fav 0 113 171
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(212): View more from New York

I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.

Fav 2 172 83
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(312): View more from Illinois

Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.

Fav 1 98 180
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(516): View more from New York

My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.

Fav 4 208 154
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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked

Fav 1 240 105
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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox

Fav 3 108 170
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(256): View more from Alabama

Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.

Fav 1 369 154
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(909): View more from California

HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.

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(312): View more from Illinois

WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING

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(205): View more from Alabama

At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit

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(805): View more from California

Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week

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(224): View more from Illinois

I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves

Fav 2 89 128
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me

Fav 2 127 142
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(443): View more from Maryland

Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down

Fav 3 226 105
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(843): View more from South Carolina

He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.

Fav 4 155 144
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing

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(828): View more from North Carolina

...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...

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(573): View more from Missouri

He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.

Fav 3 153 145
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(775): View more from Nevada

We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.

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(716): View more from New York

What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.

Fav 3 116 265
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(845): View more from New York

If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem

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(512): View more from Texas

this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt

Fav 4 157 205
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(917): View more from New York City

So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.

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(407): View more from Florida

Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia

Fav 2 135 317
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(716): View more from New York

He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.

Fav 4 204 89
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."

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(229): View more from Georgia

Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?

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(415): View more from California

Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.

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(517): View more from Michigan

when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances

(978): View more from Massachusetts

he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back

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(312): View more from Illinois

She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.

Fav 1 190 103
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(269): View more from Michigan

You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.

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(716): View more from New York

I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.

Fav 1 312 144
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(612): View more from Minnesota

We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us

Fav 4 295 175
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(315): View more from New York

Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night

Fav 2 152 153
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(303): View more from Colorado

I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.

Fav 1 353 109
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(951): View more from California

Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.

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(406): View more from Montana

You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....

Fav 2 224 385
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(540): View more from Virginia

Sorry I peed on your ottoman

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.

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(813): View more from Florida

She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.

(720): View more from Colorado

that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like

Fav 3 277 210
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(404): View more from Georgia

He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.

Fav 1 474 163
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina

Fav 6 233 591
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(906): View more from Michigan

Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...

(905): View more from Ontario

Sorry I think you have the wrong number

(416): View more from Toronto

Yes it looks like I do

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't think tits should taste like fish.

Fav 2 180 401
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again

Fav 0 199 216
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(270): View more from Kentucky

I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.

Fav 9 703 207
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She had a baby Jesus butt plug

Fav 4 265 364
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(253): View more from Washington

Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.

Fav 3 331 394
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(415): View more from California

So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.

Fav 3 257 557
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(913): View more from Kansas

You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."

Fav 1 181 341
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(406): View more from Montana

My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now

Fav 3 271 170
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(337): View more from Louisiana

Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.

Fav 0 210 630
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..

Fav 3 312 224
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(805): View more from California

Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video

Fav 0 376 217
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(647): View more from Ontario

Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.

Fav 0 262 190
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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry

Fav 0 205 206
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(314): View more from Missouri

He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.

Fav 1 170 366
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(416): View more from Toronto

As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction

Fav 2 238 199
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from

Fav 3 300 366
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(631): View more from New York

U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole

Fav 2 251 267
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(574): View more from Indiana

I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.

(1-574): View more from Indiana

How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT

Fav 0 252 531
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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?

Fav 4 403 281
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(626): View more from California

For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.

(818): View more from California

I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.

Fav 6 571 228
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(585): View more from New York

If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.

Fav 2 376 303
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(513): View more from Ohio

A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!

Fav 8 563 288
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(317): View more from Indiana

Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window

Fav 2 228 416
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(504): View more from Louisiana

No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"

Fav 2 399 218
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(330): View more from Ohio

If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.

Fav 1 278 306
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(303): View more from Colorado

If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you

Fav 0 416 229
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.

Fav 1 185 403
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(512): View more from Texas

Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash

Fav 4 253 401
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(757): View more from Virginia

Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?

Fav 2 389 207
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.

Fav 7 432 225
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(416): View more from Toronto

I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.

Fav 3 318 225
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.

Fav 6 727 197
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(647): View more from Ontario

I might as well just sew it shut at this point.

Fav 2 151 375
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(516): View more from New York

My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.

Fav 1 224 439
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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.

Fav 4 227 495
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(319): View more from Iowa

I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds

Fav 5 293 685
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.

Fav 5 271 306
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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.

Fav 4 300 497
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(803): View more from South Carolina

She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.

Fav 3 295 449
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(217): View more from Illinois

Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..

Fav 2 485 203
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(440): View more from Ohio

You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.

Fav 1 344 421
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(732): View more from New Jersey

I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever

Fav 2 704 349
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night

Fav 1 629 395
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(630): View more from Illinois

So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.

Fav 0 411 482
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(434): View more from Virginia

After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.

Fav 7 518 965
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(630): View more from Illinois

YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.

(630): View more from Illinois

you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed

Fav 0 322 569
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(502): View more from Kentucky

I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.

Fav 5 485 318
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(701): View more from North Dakota

And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.

Fav 4 541 352
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(209): View more from California

You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.

Fav 1 721 264
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(216): View more from Ohio

I think his dick was bigger than his dog

Fav 1 586 277
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(815): View more from Illinois

His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.

Fav 3 299 549
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(585): View more from New York

You tried to order fondue take-out.

(585): View more from New York

From Taco Bell.

Fav 0 416 269
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(574): View more from Indiana

just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"

Fav 0 565 286
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