Texts From Last Night · T

T_chef's Favorites Texts:

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(435): View more from Utah

it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(310): View more from California

someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(216): View more from Ohio

Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(614): View more from Ohio

woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?

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(903): View more from Texas

she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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(678): View more from Georgia

Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

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(914): View more from New York

just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

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(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(904): View more from Florida

it's circumsized.

(954): View more from Florida

I think this conversation is over.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(323): View more from California

I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?

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(208): View more from Idaho

just looked at his mug shot... not really my type

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.

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(810): View more from Michigan

My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

creepy.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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(818): View more from California

I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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T_chef's Favorites Texts:

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