Texts From Last Night · Uni_ruined

Sorry thundermuffin hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Uni_ruined_me's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

Fav 17 8739 1619
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

Fav 17 6046 1656
share tweet

(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10322
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

Fav 11 4519 1256
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

Fav 8 4966 1331
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

Fav 9 5589 1439
share tweet

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

Fav 16 3842 4148
share tweet

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Fav 32 18760 1879
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

Fav 28 10783 1428
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

Fav 24 1653 8062
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

Fav 13 5158 1693
share tweet

(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

Fav 18 6893 1522
share tweet

(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

Fav 27 4771 1133
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.

Fav 21 7147 1424
share tweet

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

Fav 25 6165 3204
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

Fav 14 4954 3056
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

Fav 17 1250 8745
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

Fav 21 5669 2256
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

Fav 14 4746 1607
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

Fav 22 7911 1937
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

Fav 9 7911 1352
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

Fav 27 1100 4059
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

you have to choose: penises or morals?

Fav 21 4344 1087
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"

Fav 35 4817 947
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!

Fav 53 1046 5824
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

Fav 15 7271 1392
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10882 1595
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

as in "white"?

Fav 24 5551 1236
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.

Fav 11 1176 1931
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

(1-407): View more from Florida

It'll hurt less than being alone

Fav 12 4988 1594
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets

Fav 29 889 5438
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes

Fav 15 1264 4745
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate having morals and standards the next morning.

Fav 9 3011 1352
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

Fav 66 2120 4171
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

Fav 43 8625 1003
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

Fav 48 4532 1057
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9433 1451
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7487 1936
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

Fav 14 1838 5901
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1666
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

Fav 4 6910 1216
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

Fav 14 4554 922
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.

Fav 13 5043 825
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.

Fav 67 3661 933
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org

Fav 31 1199 3554
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

(785): View more from Kansas

you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

Fav 37 1239 4036
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

Fav 21 1834 1125
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"

Fav 6 2996 1108
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

Fav 18 4311 1336
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish

Fav 13 4580 994
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131994 5198
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning

(410): View more from Maryland

how does that even happen??

Fav 3 2195 1025
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...

Fav 51 6760 1227
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.

Fav 22 1352 3664
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

Fav 57 12844 1371
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

Fav 30 5501 1516
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

Fav 22 4927 1302
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.

Fav 10 1340 2792
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

Fav 81 2389 5376
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

Fav 38 8112 1154
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...

Fav 10 1006 4670
share tweet
(714): View more from California

his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time

Fav 21 4403 914
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

Fav 29 4204 1296
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days

Fav 25 5720 1355
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We should go out drinking together soon

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm still not going to have sex with you

Fav 22 997 1677
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

Fav 25 2432 6427
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.

Fav 6 3999 1015
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

Fav 22 5401 1102
share tweet
(707): View more from California

he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

(1-707): View more from California

logic in its finest

Fav 41 5050 2968
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Your favorite bartender is back from prision

Fav 12 6807 1133
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.

Fav 13 2066 3329
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?

Fav 46 4759 1259
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.

Fav 20 1016 3436
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

Fav 109 13839 2390
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

Fav 17 6274 1533
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

Fav 6 6004 1086
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

Fav 13 9711 1444
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

Fav 27 9322 1178
share tweet
(353): View more from

When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head

Fav 14 1999 3490
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

Fav 8 4443 935
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1952 9161
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

Fav 18 1301 4767
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9136 24695
share tweet
(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

Fav 28 8047 2041
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"

Fav 120 2018 4887
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

Fav 13 4430 1173
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26746 2046
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

Fav 19 10890 2175
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

Fav 20 5719 1566
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

Fav 23 3554 4326
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

Fav 46 16788 1735
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.

Fav 21 5561 1332
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick

Fav 17 5634 958
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick

Fav 21 2098 790
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"

Fav 17 4518 1266
share tweet
(925): View more from California

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

Fav 41 5923 1021
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11447 1728
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

Fav 65 8570 1175
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I wannas sexs uuuuu

Fav 7 1720 854
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application

Fav 7 3893 1173
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

Fav 17 7029 1994
share tweet
(714): View more from California

after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles

Fav 13 5975 1173
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.

Fav 28 1579 3221
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

Fav 77 7436 1594
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.

Fav 33 947 4527
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

Fav 20 9453 2163
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

Fav 25 7468 1438
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

Fav 28 21890 1631
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

Fav 29 22810 1338
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28897 3778
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

Fav 51 31567 1783
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28637 1529
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38162 2303
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40362 3924
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

Fav 210 33065 3529
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42077 2247
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46058 2515
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53650 6693
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45413 2757
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49304 2811
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59119 5676
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46240 4278
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76378 3427
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet