Texts From Last Night · Xatu's Favorites

Sorry mherzy hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Xatu's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

Fav 14 4136 1001
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

Fav 8 2795 988
share tweet

(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

Fav 4 2370 794
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

Fav 9 4152 1421
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

Fav 14 5320 1126
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

Fav 6 3167 916
share tweet

(518): View more from New York

Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.

Fav 10 1836 737
share tweet

(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

Fav 15 2207 946
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

Fav 22 4796 1585
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

Fav 15 2903 1219
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

Fav 7 2680 1572
share tweet

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

Fav 15 3331 1042
share tweet

(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6540 1353
share tweet
(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

Fav 4 2455 1059
share tweet

(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

Fav 51 10050 1431
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

Fav 5 2547 1019
share tweet
(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

Fav 9 5908 1378
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wait

Fav 5 3155 1491
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

Fav 6 2243 1003
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

Fav 21 7419 1161
share tweet
(831): View more from California

There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy

Fav 6 2612 992
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

Fav 4 3142 936
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

Fav 8 5128 1226
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

Fav 1 1901 1057
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

Fav 17 5044 1379
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

Fav 15 7819 2212
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

Fav 10 3109 1533
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.

Fav 10 3191 1229
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

Fav 4 2423 1233
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.

Fav 8 2780 1053
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

Fav 9 3756 1223
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

Fav 28 8679 1598
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

Fav 9 8182 1259
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

Fav 15 6681 1269
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.

Fav 16 2655 1246
share tweet
(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

Fav 5 4774 1623
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.

Fav 10 3444 1173
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim

Fav 11 3699 1124
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

Fav 3 5752 1295
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

Fav 10 4254 1396
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

Fav 10 3785 1343
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

Fav 11 4039 1245
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

Fav 8 3459 1123
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

Fav 26 1914 3345
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

Fav 20 3320 5171
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

Fav 9 2860 1635
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

Fav 21 7669 1667
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

Fav 8 3228 1457
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

Fav 3 2800 963
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12319 1864
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

Fav 4 2504 2126
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

Fav 9 2858 1228
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

Fav 6 3181 1342
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

Fav 13 4723 1456
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1217
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

Fav 14 5598 1704
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

Fav 96 5318 1765
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45417 2757
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45282 2188
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons

Fav 5 3145 1277
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

Fav 2 2745 1253
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

Fav 6 3422 1239
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

Fav 9 4445 1374
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

Fav 5 4118 1266
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

Fav 12 4442 1356
share tweet
(348): View more from

Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

Fav 5 3112 1298
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

Fav 11 4498 1429
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

Fav 13 2847 1806
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

Fav 6 4988 1800
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

Fav 13 6746 1721
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3106
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51212 2741
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63942 5492
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67669 4395
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67836 4686
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75100 3013
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68669 3919
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3433
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82806 5241
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115835 11205
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131172 3916
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 132000 5202
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146108 10757
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

Fav 13 3506 1768
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

Fav 3 4223 1249
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.

Fav 6 4028 1171
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

Fav 19 5307 1437
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

Fav 20 9899 1518
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Sucks about the cops last night

(848): View more from New Jersey

to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

Fav 7 5014 1392
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

Fav 5 5557 1281
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful

Fav 8 1736 4214
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

Fav 15 13875 1583
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

Fav 23 7732 1355
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what?how do you know?

(318): View more from Louisiana

it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

Fav 10 1620 5009
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

Fav 22 8499 1428
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

Fav 7 4837 1304
share tweet
(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

Fav 15 2897 4652
share tweet
(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

Fav 9 4177 1290
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

Fav 7 4943 1899
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

Fav 9 6228 1325
share tweet
(626): View more from California

i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

Fav 4 3247 1320
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.

Fav 24 5563 1423
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

Fav 12 5971 1645
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

Fav 4 5637 1403
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

Fav 18 1169 6166
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

Fav 194 3432 16186
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

Fav 3 3486 1221
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

Fav 25 6135 1424
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

Fav 9 5692 1305
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

Fav 12 9611 1601
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

Fav 11 6146 3068
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

Fav 30 12867 2260
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Fav 73 6706 3554
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

Fav 25 4473 1424
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

Fav 18 5344 1728
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

Fav 13 1361 3249
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

Fav 32 4358 888
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2624 29259
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

Fav 122 5059 36761
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173888 44335
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49747
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

Fav 7 4631 1503
share tweet