Texts From Last Night · abbadiddydaisydo's Favorites

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(914): View more from New York

Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.

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(386): View more from Florida

My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0

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(775): View more from Nevada

Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.

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(713): View more from Texas

Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.

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(719): View more from Colorado

SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

New vibrator arrived today.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Who are these wee mortals we call men?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom

(862): View more from New Jersey

I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE

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(720): View more from Colorado

Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit

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(847): View more from Illinois

Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are

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(516): View more from New York

Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.

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(530): View more from California

I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good

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(406): View more from Montana

I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus

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(301): View more from Maryland

You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing

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(360): View more from Washington

I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

(206): View more from Washington

Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO

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(727): View more from Florida

i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner

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(510): View more from California

But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I am sorry. I am also on acid.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.

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(630): View more from Illinois

His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways

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(402): View more from Nebraska

just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend

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(760): View more from California

Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.

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(585): View more from New York

He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.

(706): View more from Georgia

So you're drunk waiting for the bus.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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(510): View more from California

How is your new roommate working out

(415): View more from California

We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.

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(212): View more from New York

She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.

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(771): View more from

Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The side bitch struggle is real.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.

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(561): View more from Florida

Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.

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(858): View more from California

Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.

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(406): View more from Montana

fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke

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(210): View more from Texas

Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park

(210): View more from Texas

Surprise ending

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(705): View more from Ontario

Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere

(514): View more from Quebec

Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever

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(914): View more from New York

Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.

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(360): View more from Washington

No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?

(312): View more from Illinois

Best not to. Some people need their delusions.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex

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(804): View more from Virginia

Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.

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(616): View more from Michigan

EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna come over? I have movies.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

sure, what movies

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

porn or disney, your choice

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Ugh he's texting me.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Sooooo, no second date?

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(716): View more from New York

Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I know that feel bro

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(503): View more from Oregon

In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.

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(785): View more from Kansas

And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you can still come hang out if you want

(248): View more from Michigan

I really don't feel like watching you play video games

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on

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(845): View more from New York

I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.

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(512): View more from Texas

He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small

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(716): View more from New York

I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b

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(323): View more from California

Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?

(1-323): View more from California

Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

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(519): View more from Ontario

If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this

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(903): View more from Texas

Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that would solve a million problems

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(727): View more from Florida

Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You are living the dream.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?

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(217): View more from Illinois

List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update

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(716): View more from New York

I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up

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(425): View more from Washington

She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.

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(650): View more from California

So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

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(805): View more from California

Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.

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(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(651): View more from Minnesota

god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.

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(424): View more from California

I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.

(479): View more from Arkansas

This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!

(770): View more from Georgia

Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

what do i owe you?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

$237.46 to be exact.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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