Texts From Last Night · catcoot1's Favorites

Sorry LondonWaste1325 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

catcoot1's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

Fav 12 1449 4017
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

Fav 4 7141 1389
share tweet

(262): View more from Wisconsin

He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.

Fav 19 1820 3218
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

Fav 23 7732 1354
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

Fav 22 8498 1427
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

Fav 20 9620 1698
share tweet

(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

Fav 29 8626 1506
share tweet

(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

Fav 15 2895 4652
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

Fav 27 5532 1709
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

Fav 10 11656 1467
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

Fav 28 6865 2111
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

Fav 16 1890 3628
share tweet

(337): View more from Louisiana

Let me guess--your parents are cousins.

Fav 22 1220 5180
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

Fav 64 17764 2114
share tweet

(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

Fav 36 12331 1058
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

Fav 47 3897 1090
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10795 1615
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

Fav 27 3095 5218
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

Fav 7 5488 1093
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

Fav 10 5269 1372
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

Fav 18 5035 2095
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

Fav 35 8667 1554
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

Fav 30 2501 4150
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

Fav 10 5158 1672
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Fav 11 7926 1588
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

Fav 42 1307 12702
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

Fav 31 11666 1813
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

Fav 51 25042 2260
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.

Fav 26 1209 6768
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

Fav 40 6107 2103
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.

Fav 15 3493 1709
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

Fav 32 2165 9263
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

Fav 18 5735 1642
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

Fav 62 14043 1746
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

Fav 5 2637 1020
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21184 1940
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7588
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6902 1469
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.

Fav 18 1607 5282
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

Fav 53 12722 1797
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.

Fav 24 1712 5730
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.

Fav 19 4492 912
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

Fav 4 2543 768
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around

Fav 13 1519 2625
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

Fav 5 5215 1639
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

Fav 46 9833 2409
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

Fav 39 15167 1577
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

Fav 12 1201 4575
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

Fav 23 12075 1398
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

Fav 28 11495 1765
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

Fav 60 2412 8796
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

Fav 36 8279 1135
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9304 1177
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

Fav 28 9452 1771
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

Fav 35 17860 1329
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

Fav 117 3544 12406
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

Fav 79 14641 1375
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.

Fav 17 1326 5484
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.

Fav 19 1559 5446
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

Fav 54 1379 5246
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.

Fav 10 963 3557
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

Fav 37 5638 1353
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.

Fav 37 1431 5376
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

Fav 39 16043 1251
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

Fav 17 7240 1335
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

Fav 259 5460 5328
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

Fav 116 7087 1964
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

Fav 44 6462 1368
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48530 2768
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

Fav 27 1329 11494
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59122 5679
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

Fav 29 1783 7328
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

Fav 66 1550 17567
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

Fav 73 1565 13255
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.

Fav 16 4365 1517
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?

Fav 10 932 1499
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47669 3211
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant

Fav 67 6023 1990
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

Fav 87 9401 1439
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

Fav 29 9314 1222
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

Fav 101 10975 1744
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

Fav 18 1544 2096
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

Fav 4 1954 870
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

Fav 24 12017 2127
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

Fav 69 2498 11896
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms

Fav 12 1380 2606
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

Fav 9 3718 1200
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

Fav 42 1427 20725
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

Fav 90 3046 23863
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8162 70876
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19508 4225
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49744
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

(781): View more from Massachusetts

dont be selfish, show some boob

Fav 54 7474 1579
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

Fav 36 13079 1459
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.

(919): View more from North Carolina

That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

Fav 7 1474 5580
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.

Fav 26 926 4374
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

(973): View more from New Jersey

How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

Fav 41 1891 5218
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

Fav 87 11984 2460
share tweet
(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

Fav 40 8505 1226
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding

Fav 12 5699 907
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day

(240): View more from Maryland

hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine

Fav 10 4459 1242
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?

Fav 35 5068 1409
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."

Fav 13 1660 4465
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3431
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2624 29259
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.

Fav 17 1607 4965
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

Fav 19 9223 1456
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Fav 99 3056 24679
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

(1-831): View more from California

stop. you already have a dog

Fav 8 1300 2161
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...

Fav 15 1224 5573
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82805 5241
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers

Fav 29 1141 10585
share tweet
(650): View more from California

i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.

Fav 44 1552 4225
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

Fav 35 1915 6913
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

Fav 59 7446 1863
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

Fav 58 18819 1510
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

His pubic hair was longer than his dick

Fav 69 1703 27638
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

Fav 23 2172 5879
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

Fav 46 1251 7958
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

Fav 9 1821 4633
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.

(1-727): View more from Florida

shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.

Fav 13 4860 1324
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

Fav 52 1722 6565
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.

Fav 7 971 5578
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131171 3915
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5490
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

Fav 31 1436 4302
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

Fav 111 30495 1715
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

Fav 16 3651 840
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.

Fav 9 3186 1197
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

can u grab me a application

Fav 11 2999 669
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

Fav 43 8625 1003
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.

Fav 37 5581 1138
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

Fav 34 5280 1072
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173881 44334
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.

Fav 12 5052 957
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...

Fav 126 5631 1212
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up

Fav 17 5373 866
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

(507): View more from Minnesota

god i miss watching you do this...

Fav 16 5347 1025
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

Fav 40 29368 1553
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.

Fav 11 3217 1307
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

Fav 28 21890 1632
share tweet