Texts From Last Night · djquecumber's Favorites

Sorry Analgesia hasn't picked any favorites yet.

djquecumber's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

Fav 29 8276 955
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple

Fav 60 1114 6476
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.

Fav 28 1238 4839
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'

Fav 18 4847 1134
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

Fav 18 4510 922
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

Fav 36 9076 1459
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

Fav 39 1483 13708
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

I just remember telling jokes while vomitting

Fav 10 4073 1140
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

Fav 37 14062 1415
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

Fav 23 12181 1430
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

Fav 16 1328 4365
share tweet

(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

Fav 17 7673 1033
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

Fav 15 1615 5112
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.

Fav 5 6042 1981
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

Fav 9 6132 1124
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on

Fav 17 5597 1275
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

Fav 17 5280 1296
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

Fav 5 6066 1288
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

Fav 12 5116 1451
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

Fav 44 1580 9235
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

Fav 90 7485 2054
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

Fav 23 6857 3173
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

Fav 19 5933 1335
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

Fav 26 4681 1607
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

Fav 32 1398 7501
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

Fav 16 6002 1169
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin

Fav 30 1448 3940
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

Fav 18 5753 2314
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

Fav 23 7193 1263
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

Fav 8 4699 1146
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

Fav 21 7058 1565
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.

Fav 7 4322 1196
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

Fav 6 4284 1225
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.

Fav 5 1548 2966
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw

Fav 21 1867 4014
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

Fav 5 3346 1658
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

Fav 22 4933 1338
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

Fav 6 3179 1098
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave

Fav 10 3165 1270
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed

Fav 6 1342 3240
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

Fav 15 2052 5020
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

Fav 14 6313 1474
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.

Fav 19 1781 2738
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

Fav 6 3070 1584
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.

Fav 4 2164 1341
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor

Fav 7 2390 1256
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

Fav 19 4291 1418
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again

Fav 1 2099 1084
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

Fav 53 1585 4154
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.

Fav 2 1526 843
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"

Fav 3 2126 1002
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed

Fav 5 1005 1884
share tweet
(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

Fav 13 3648 909
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

Fav 13 3296 1574
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

Fav 5 3111 1156
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

Fav 21 4123 1034
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.

Fav 7 1695 887
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

no drinking for a week

(1-512): View more from Texas

if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

Fav 4 3027 943
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.

Fav 12 2950 959
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?

(312): View more from Illinois

You're the best girlfriend ever.

Fav 18 4923 1567
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

Fav 8 3879 1466
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

Fav 55 6159 1776
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

Fav 14 4846 1155
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

Fav 28 4188 6037
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.

Fav 28 1579 3222
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.

Fav 52 4416 954
share tweet
(818): View more from California

He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.

Fav 9 987 2827
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting

Fav 7 2232 1254
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".

Fav 3 3569 1111
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

Fav 14 4083 1157
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

Fav 20 4004 1861
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.

Fav 5 2387 1292
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

Fav 26 15086 1640
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.

Fav 14 3707 967
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

Fav 10 3229 1270
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.

Fav 5 1596 1812
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

Fav 6 2659 1092
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

Fav 10 1637 3239
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

Fav 15 4438 1721
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

Fav 9 1984 5264
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent

Fav 24 4378 1153
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day

Fav 13 5293 1497
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13052 1899
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.

Fav 16 3028 1402
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

Fav 4 4983 2097
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am

Fav 16 1135 3393
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Responsibility does not care about your dick.

Fav 10 3759 1438
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

Fav 45 11738 2893
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

Fav 30 2168 6206
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

Fav 10 2601 1098
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.

Fav 4 2166 961
share tweet
(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

Fav 19 4891 1221
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?

Fav 21 930 5498
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.

Fav 6 3848 951
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.

Fav 26 4162 1207
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I love sluts.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I end my prayers with that every single night.

Fav 8 4094 954
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.

Fav 1 829 1184
share tweet
(510): View more from California

God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

Fav 9 3248 1120
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

Fav 16 7494 1417
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

Fav 16 4277 1918
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

Fav 6 1406 5097
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?

Fav 26 4375 1172
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

Fav 47 7199 1292
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.

Fav 5 1340 1649
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

Fav 11 3712 1102
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

Fav 19 5538 1454
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?

Fav 50 1199 3146
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?

Fav 6 2456 945
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

Fav 101 31710 5405
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students

Fav 8 4588 1207
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.

Fav 4 1560 1076
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

Fav 10 1423 3892
share tweet
(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

Fav 21 3022 3846
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.

Fav 4 1145 4039
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

Fav 8 3469 1079
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

Fav 15 3483 1656
share tweet
(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

Fav 16 6810 1590
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.

Fav 19 4809 1507
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.

Fav 12 826 4702
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

can u get pink eye on your cock?

Fav 19 921 5825
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?

Fav 8 1714 817
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

Fav 10 1638 2383
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

Fav 12 1939 858
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

Fav 13 3022 894
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

Fav 16 5036 1198
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.

Fav 5 2265 1182
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills

Fav 6 4482 1121
share tweet
(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

Fav 17 6625 1294
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."

Fav 25 4513 1126
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?

(1-334): View more from Alabama

You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.

Fav 31 1243 5365
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...

Fav 15 2540 1228
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.

Fav 57 4149 944
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?

Fav 23 927 2204
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.

Fav 22 3126 1204
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

Fav 10 4884 1281
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

Fav 24 1528 4632
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

Fav 44 16368 2073
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

Fav 5 3632 1114
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

Fav 5 2992 1231
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9476 1662
share tweet
(510): View more from California

one might say we're banned from that church

Fav 5 4242 989
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

Fav 63 1127 12772
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

Fav 6 3890 1239
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

Fav 11 5337 1254
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

Fav 63 11142 2062
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

Fav 16 5839 1307
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

Fav 89 8205 1840
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...

Fav 13 2048 999
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel

Fav 8 3114 1232
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

Fav 11 2834 1099
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

Fav 3 3553 1270
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

Fav 25 7849 1297
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

Fav 20 5446 1597
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

Fav 64 9387 1214
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I haven't been this sober since birth.

Fav 15 1466 2975
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

Fav 16 6915 1404
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

Fav 19 5456 1482
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

Fav 4 2743 1028
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

(1-928): View more from Arizona

They dropped the charges?

(928): View more from Arizona

Yeppers. Come drink beers.

Fav 8 3226 953
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

Fav 4 2473 854
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

Fav 7 2755 894
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college

Fav 7 2733 883
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits

Fav 8 2060 889
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark

(1-678): View more from Georgia

...

Fav 8 1738 973
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse

Fav 14 938 1672
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend

Fav 5 1980 901
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

Fav 3 5274 1092
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I faked an abortion last night.

Fav 20 982 3009
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...

Fav 5 1069 2375
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party

Fav 12 1599 863
share tweet
(925): View more from California

He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.

Fav 11 1822 2321
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.

Fav 9 2762 1014
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9074 1568
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life

Fav 48 6334 2794
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?

Fav 3 1324 696
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

Fav 7 2393 1598
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.

Fav 10 2824 1174
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

Fav 3 2647 940
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

Fav 5 2521 1862
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.

Fav 10 947 3089
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing

Fav 4 3221 1107
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

Fav 5 6298 1519
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.

Fav 13 1914 3941
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.

Fav 10 3621 1179
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

Fav 4 2244 1209
share tweet
(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

Fav 9 1510 3281
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

Fav 6 3790 1201
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

Fav 13 8184 1578
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode

Fav 6 1152 3464
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome

Fav 32 968 9499
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

Fav 9 4508 1570
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

Fav 26 1523 4315
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.

Fav 20 1064 4527
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?

Fav 10 3228 1531
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.

Fav 13 4190 836
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...

Fav 3 1758 1086
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked

Fav 4 1139 957
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night

Fav 6 1189 2119
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

Fav 7 4328 1194
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

Fav 5 3586 1304
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

Fav 19 1357 7076
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons

Fav 37 995 5100
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car

Fav 29 4920 1075
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

Fav 91 1656 12290
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Da na na, na na naa

Fav 35 4058 835
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

Fav 40 6724 975
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?

(312): View more from Illinois

you sound like my dream girl

Fav 44 4781 857
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

Fav 9 4422 1019
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 132000 5202
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

Fav 22 7017 1538
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

Fav 12 5798 1288
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

Fav 15 7285 1119
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

Fav 18 9110 1164
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

Fav 27 17666 1466
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

Fav 29 12051 1725
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

Fav 69 15079 4263
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31651 2128
share tweet