Texts From Last Night · kaaitiee's Favorites

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kaaitiee's Favorites Texts:

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(631): View more from New York

I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no

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(937): View more from Ohio

But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name

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(270): View more from Kentucky

ARE YOU OKAY?

(618): View more from Illinois

Physically? Yes. Morally? No.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening

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(679): View more from Michigan

My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..

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(720): View more from Colorado

Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma

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(903): View more from Texas

I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?

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(415): View more from California

how drunk are you?

(469): View more from Texas

Several

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(936): View more from Texas

We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

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(415): View more from California

WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..

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(513): View more from Ohio

I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high

(+61): View more from Australia

Send it to me

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(303): View more from Colorado

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time

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(903): View more from Texas

I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet

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(607): View more from New York

No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Jk probs not coming. Tequila

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I need water and some morals

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit

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(785): View more from Kansas

He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?

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(863): View more from Florida

If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.

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(727): View more from Florida

"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.

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(813): View more from Florida

I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today

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(828): View more from North Carolina

There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.

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(631): View more from New York

I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress

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(818): View more from California

You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.

(1-818): View more from California

Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?

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(707): View more from California

We are horrible

(1-707): View more from California

Yeah but we're also awesome

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.

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(740): View more from Ohio

At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's literally the perfect eulogy

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(636): View more from Missouri

Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(519): View more from Ontario

One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I can't wait to tell mom.

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(903): View more from Texas

Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test

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(330): View more from Ohio

Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again

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(315): View more from New York

I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?

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(903): View more from Texas

We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.

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(620): View more from Kansas

For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.

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(989): View more from Michigan

So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.

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(214): View more from Texas

You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.

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(716): View more from New York

According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.

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(415): View more from California

nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.

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(520): View more from Arizona

My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'

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(406): View more from Montana

I really don’t want to have kids.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.

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(425): View more from Washington

Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment

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(206): View more from Washington

The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.

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(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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(716): View more from New York

i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We are all done wearing pants today

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much

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(512): View more from Texas

We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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(713): View more from Texas

Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.

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(206): View more from Washington

Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?

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(530): View more from California

so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.

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(641): View more from Iowa

As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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(406): View more from Montana

I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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(425): View more from Washington

with great strapon comes great responsibility.

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(207): View more from Maine

And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...

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(540): View more from Virginia

The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.

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(949): View more from California

honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.

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(512): View more from Texas

I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things

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(206): View more from Washington

Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.

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(916): View more from California

All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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(302): View more from Delaware

But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?

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(305): View more from Florida

We have so much sex to catch up on

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(937): View more from Ohio

Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.

(415): View more from California

Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?

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(585): View more from New York

I just need some of your time and all of your body.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(229): View more from Georgia

You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.

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(503): View more from Oregon

It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.

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(716): View more from New York

We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future

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(330): View more from Ohio

I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.

(513): View more from Ohio

It has been happening a lot lately.

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(813): View more from Florida

Thats alot of pressure.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.

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(269): View more from Michigan

My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."

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(989): View more from Michigan

I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(949): View more from California

The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi

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(705): View more from Ontario

He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(204): View more from Manitoba

i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks

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(785): View more from Kansas

The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?

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(707): View more from California

This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So there's that.

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(404): View more from Georgia

PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.

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(760): View more from California

Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs

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(705): View more from Ontario

I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?

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(703): View more from Virginia

This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs

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(518): View more from New York

you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(209): View more from California

I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!

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(515): View more from Iowa

you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊

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(804): View more from Virginia

What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

drinks after work?

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

that question mark offends me.

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(425): View more from Washington

I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.

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(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?

(843): View more from South Carolina

Maybe

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.

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(727): View more from Florida

No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there

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(248): View more from Michigan

You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

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(812): View more from Indiana

Just had a threesome with a married couple.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

Stop living my dream.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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(517): View more from Michigan

And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?

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(207): View more from Maine

My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...

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(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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(425): View more from Washington

Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me

(604): View more from British Columbia

Bring breadsticks

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(636): View more from Missouri

I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"

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(207): View more from Maine

is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.

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(330): View more from Ohio

MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...

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(289): View more from Ontario

For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(647): View more from Ontario

Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?

(226): View more from Ontario

Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?

(647): View more from Ontario

Oh definitely.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?

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(716): View more from New York

I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.

(309): View more from Illinois

You rock my world.

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(456): View more from

It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...

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(207): View more from Maine

I still have a little drunk in my system

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(607): View more from New York

I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators

(1-607): View more from New York

Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.

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(607): View more from New York

he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.

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(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.

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(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(407): View more from Florida

How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.

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(214): View more from Texas

Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.

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(716): View more from New York

If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.

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(518): View more from New York

just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

my god I love twenty year old dicks

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(917): View more from New York City

It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(917): View more from New York City

she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(917): View more from New York City

She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?

(646): View more from New York

Lmao what?

(917): View more from New York City

It's a yes or no question.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(917): View more from New York City

just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(408): View more from California

Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.

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(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."

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(510): View more from California

Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS

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(760): View more from California

That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?

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(740): View more from Ohio

Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

Why haven't you proposed already?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE

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(618): View more from Illinois

I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?

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(713): View more from Texas

I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom

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(208): View more from Idaho

I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"

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(303): View more from Colorado

We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool

(1-303): View more from Colorado

We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check the mailbox while you're out!

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time

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(865): View more from Tennessee

i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.

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(707): View more from California

I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.

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(720): View more from Colorado

There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."

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(904): View more from Florida

Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP

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(281): View more from Texas

I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.

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(804): View more from Virginia

You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.

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(703): View more from Virginia

That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now

(860): View more from Connecticut

Pray for me

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.

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(904): View more from Florida

She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing

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(518): View more from New York

I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.

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(805): View more from California

I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me

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(360): View more from Washington

Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?

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(989): View more from Michigan

All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!

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(954): View more from Florida

What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?

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(555): View more from

Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions

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(928): View more from Arizona

I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard

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(519): View more from Ontario

That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

and their significant others

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

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(317): View more from Indiana

She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink

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(757): View more from Virginia

I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.

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(706): View more from Georgia

All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

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(719): View more from Colorado

id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas

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(650): View more from California

Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something

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(360): View more from Washington

Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday

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(256): View more from Alabama

Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.

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(407): View more from Florida

I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.

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(727): View more from Florida

Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?

(813): View more from Florida

Heaven. . It would look like heaven

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(312): View more from Illinois

If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"

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(513): View more from Ohio

So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?

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(616): View more from Michigan

If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?

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(914): View more from New York

You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?

(216): View more from Ohio

We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.

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(909): View more from California

I got laid two nights in a row

(508): View more from Massachusetts

And none for Gretchen Wieners...

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(607): View more from New York

i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.

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(607): View more from New York

IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.

(1-607): View more from New York

You're such a supportive sister.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Your normalization of crazy is frightening.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night

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(941): View more from Florida

Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...

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(630): View more from Illinois

And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays

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(802): View more from Vermont

The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays

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(406): View more from Montana

so much tequila, so little girl.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.

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(631): View more from New York

And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.

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(509): View more from Washington

You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.

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(714): View more from California

And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!

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(510): View more from California

Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.

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(770): View more from Georgia

My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me

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(785): View more from Kansas

Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?

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(607): View more from New York

I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.

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(607): View more from New York

Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.

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(607): View more from New York

The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.

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(607): View more from New York

When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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(607): View more from New York

Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless

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(607): View more from New York

flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(638): View more from

Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is my life. Enjoy the view

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(416): View more from Toronto

You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on

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(713): View more from Texas

Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!

(860): View more from Connecticut

You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?

(720): View more from Colorado

I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.

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(765): View more from Indiana

If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely

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(917): View more from New York City

She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.

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(607): View more from New York

It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(847): View more from Illinois

WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG

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(323): View more from California

He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard

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(248): View more from Michigan

Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue

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(415): View more from California

I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high

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(239): View more from Florida

I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary

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(757): View more from Virginia

I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.

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(716): View more from New York

Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was so scary.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(518): View more from New York

Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.

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(530): View more from California

as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(847): View more from Illinois

I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for

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(207): View more from Maine

I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys

(703): View more from Virginia

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits

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(207): View more from Maine

I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(607): View more from New York

You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

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(254): View more from Texas

Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story

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(330): View more from Ohio

I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere

(514): View more from Quebec

Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever

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(618): View more from Illinois

You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies

(1-303): View more from Colorado

You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?

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(816): View more from Missouri

She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum

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