Texts From Last Night · koleary509's Favorites

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koleary509's Favorites Texts:

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(513): View more from Ohio

i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

(419): View more from Ohio

move.

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(949): View more from California

I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

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(360): View more from Washington

afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My cat gives me a boner

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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(469): View more from Texas

Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.

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(951): View more from California

Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.

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(805): View more from California

Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches

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(423): View more from Tennessee

ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(734): View more from Michigan

I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview

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(850): View more from Florida

you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

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(303): View more from Colorado

She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(509): View more from Washington

I want to make a zoo with you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wish you could fill a pinata with booze

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(434): View more from Virginia

u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it

(1-434): View more from Virginia

but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text

(434): View more from Virginia

then give me ur phone

(1-434): View more from Virginia

NEVER!!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(845): View more from New York

I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk

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(574): View more from Indiana

I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(330): View more from Ohio

She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.

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(310): View more from California

if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

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(586): View more from Michigan

if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(254): View more from Texas

People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move

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(954): View more from Florida

i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.

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(702): View more from Nevada

If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(315): View more from New York

he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(716): View more from New York

just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(509): View more from Washington

The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

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(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(404): View more from Georgia

This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.

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(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

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(425): View more from Washington

Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(949): View more from California

i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I gave up sex with dolphins for you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

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(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

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(773): View more from Illinois

the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu

(773): View more from Illinois

which is why it's clearly superior

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(+44): View more from England

I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

dying kittens.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.

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(212): View more from New York

True but thats because hes a fetus.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(240): View more from Maryland

Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(734): View more from Michigan

those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!

(269): View more from Michigan

...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...

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(207): View more from Maine

I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers

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(914): View more from New York

We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(517): View more from Michigan

Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No stitches, just platelets and will power

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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(916): View more from California

keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.

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