Texts From Last Night · platapusty's Favorites

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

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(310): View more from California

I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

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(518): View more from New York

How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

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(518): View more from New York

It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(914): View more from New York

Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(949): View more from California

I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days

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(360): View more from Washington

This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.

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(352): View more from Florida

Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested

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(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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(440): View more from Ohio

I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob

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(231): View more from Michigan

I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.

(231): View more from Michigan

The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter

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(641): View more from Iowa

Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"

(601): View more from Mississippi

Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

You always know what to say to make me feel better.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Naked Twister starts at high noon

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(503): View more from Oregon

I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.

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(925): View more from California

He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

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(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(702): View more from Nevada

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(727): View more from Florida

Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.

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(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(313): View more from Michigan

I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(970): View more from Colorado

You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.

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(210): View more from Texas

I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(618): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That bitch ruined vodka saturday

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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(425): View more from Washington

come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....

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(903): View more from Texas

best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(360): View more from Washington

Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.

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(310): View more from California

I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(303): View more from Colorado

Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO

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(647): View more from Ontario

Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.

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(727): View more from Florida

don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(509): View more from Washington

Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(718): View more from New York

ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like everything in this room is sweating

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(970): View more from Colorado

Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me

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(646): View more from New York

I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(+36): View more from

until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?

(908): View more from New Jersey

It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.

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(915): View more from Texas

In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(631): View more from New York

I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him

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(520): View more from Arizona

There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(406): View more from Montana

I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

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(503): View more from Oregon

since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(805): View more from California

It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(850): View more from Florida

Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

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