Texts From Last Night · scott

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(815): View more from Illinois

WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!

(847): View more from Illinois

1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us

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(636): View more from Missouri

We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.

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(248): View more from Michigan

did i make more ranch sandwiches last night

(269): View more from Michigan

you had 4

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(240): View more from Maryland

i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence

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(574): View more from Indiana

You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

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(907): View more from Alaska

who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(231): View more from Michigan

A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.

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(219): View more from Indiana

No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.

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(254): View more from Texas

I have the starring role in a literal shit show.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone came in the potted fern

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

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(503): View more from Oregon

Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever

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(248): View more from Michigan

Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.

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(613): View more from Ontario

IM WEARING A FLAG

(1-613): View more from Ontario

So that's a no to the clothes then

(613): View more from Ontario

FLAG

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them

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(714): View more from California

The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.

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(971): View more from Oregon

no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.

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(319): View more from Iowa

"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(206): View more from Washington

Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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(704): View more from North Carolina

sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats

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(703): View more from Virginia

Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?

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(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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(619): View more from California

We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(561): View more from Florida

So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.

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(512): View more from Texas

Was I asleep on the ride home?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(516): View more from New York

I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(845): View more from New York

We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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(308): View more from Nebraska

And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(518): View more from New York

he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!

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(519): View more from Ontario

you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

no way

(519): View more from Ontario

that's when i decided you were gonna be okay

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(207): View more from Maine

he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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(516): View more from New York

You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before

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(607): View more from New York

I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila

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(818): View more from California

All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

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(815): View more from Illinois

yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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(804): View more from Virginia

I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

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(972): View more from Texas

Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

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(530): View more from California

Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.

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(817): View more from Texas

Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day

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(256): View more from Alabama

So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(631): View more from New York

In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(210): View more from Texas

i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(309): View more from Illinois

JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(606): View more from Kentucky

i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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(925): View more from California

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.

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(512): View more from Texas

no drinking for a week

(1-512): View more from Texas

if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.

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(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(+61): View more from Australia

How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.

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(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(810): View more from Michigan

This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(631): View more from New York

It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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