I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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