omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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