woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
