Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
