Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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