I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
