Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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