Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
