Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
