Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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