She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
