The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
