This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
