FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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