apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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