We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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