Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
