Plan B is the new Plan A
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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