so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
