Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
