i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
