dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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