I don't usually arrange sex via text message
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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