Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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