Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
