He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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