I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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