i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
