Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
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