I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
