My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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