I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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