Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
