fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
