I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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