I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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