my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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