Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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