He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
