Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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