I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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