My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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