Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
